Dark Morning Turning Light
It is early and I am still tired, and wanting sleep, but the tossing and turning has gotten old. My early bird husband is up, as usual, to sneak around the house alone, working out, and doing who-knows-what. Usually I don’t even register that he is up, but today I was wide awake tossing before he was.
This, I know, has to do with school starting. Even if I wasn’t really thinking anything about it, the stress is seeping into my conscience. I have MUCH to do, but am also avoiding, which I know shocks you. It is so UNLIKE me to avoid….( you know if there was a sarcastic font I would use it).
Today I am throwing a party for Katie and Nicholas. They have not had their 9-year-old birthday party for friends yet. Yes. Their birthday is in November. We are calling it their 9 & 3/4 birthday party. It is evidence that I am a model parent. This should have been done long ago, but procrastination is a talent of mine. Thank goodness they are forgiving. Me? Not so much.
I feel so blessed that I have had the summer. Even though I don’t get paid over these months (and that, too, is a stress) the time that I am able to spend to stop, read, reflect, write, plan, and so on is a privilege that not many people have. I always have great intentions for all that will get done during these months, and I always fall flat, but the time to rejuvenate before the frenzy of work is invaluable. I am never ready to go back because of the frenzy. But this year, especially. I am nervous for this year to start for many reasons. A new job, which isn’t really changing, but feels like it will somehow. And not necessarily for the better. It is better that I will be guaranteed full-time hours, and the money will be AWESOME, but the political expectations loom. Being an untenured teacher is being a sitting duck in many ways. There is only one alignment and that is with administration. (If you want a job.) Our department is going through many major changes. Some are fantastic, but with real consequences. It feels like something larger and more sinister is going on, even though from a teaching standpoint and a student standpoint it all looks great. There are underlying consequences for our department that may, in fact, be destructive to it. (I know I am being vague, but I live in fear that the wrong person will figure out that this is my blog…and I don’t really want to shoot myself in the foot.) So, I really don’t want summer to end. At all.
The darkness is lifting now. The sky lightening, windows glowing with artificial lights in kitchens across my neighborhood. I will get up in about a half hour to get ready and head on over to school. I am hoping to move my boxes from my old cubicle into my new office today. Which is SO EXCITING! I am worried, because I want to move my own boxes, and I bought handle boxes for this occasion. But the movers are coming tomorrow and I need to be out of my old office. If I can get it done today, it will be a weight off my shoulders. Plus, I am dying to see my new office. The renovations should be done by now. New carpet, new paint, new furniture….It is surreal. I can’t wait to share it with you!
I am going to lie back down for a little bit. I am so thankful that I have been writing more this summer. I am also hopeful that I can continue.
Any plans for you today?