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On Change~

December 10, 2009

This morning, after waking up and watching the Morning Parade, (Jeff mentioned that we probably need a King Sized Bed, these kids are getting so big, and their elbows and knees seem to stick into the soft folds of my body all at once.) I came downstairs, like every other morning and checked in to my email and to my bloggy friends to see what was happening.

I am always thrilled when there are new posts up.  I love reading them, and it is sort of like a present.  These wonderful writers giving me the gift of their words, and their stories.  I noticed that the beautiful Bluepoppy had posted and I happily clicked away from my email.  She wrote so eloquently about the way her life has been transformed in the past five years.  Please go read it.

I loved how she compares middle age to adolescence.  It rings so true to me.  I am right there, trying to figure out a path to take now that my children are growing up, and that Katie and Nicholas will be going to school full time next year.  I feel so much like I am in no-man’s-land.  I don’t know where to focus, or even where I want to focus.  Only that I need to find a focus.  Another part that rings true in her post is this:

“It’s all about change– and this bit is key– accepting that you have changed. For some reason, despite wanting to find our best self, we identify so much with what causes us pain that when it comes time to really let it go– it’s a bit of a shock. If I’m not an unbalanced, emotional wreck–who am I? If I’m not an unfulfilled, middle management drone–who am I? and so on . .”

I know I must have changed since I have had children.  I just can’t pin-point how I have changed, or how that change is going to affect my professional life that has been non-existent for eight years.  I know I am a whole lot more flexible in many ways, but I am also a whole lot more crotchety.  I am not that same scared little girl who will go along with things that don’t feel right anymore, but I may also not be brave enough to put my money where my mouth is on that one.  Sometimes  I look around and think that I have not changed at all.  I am still living in an over-sized dorm room, and I still haven’t figured out how to keep a *perfect* house, how to stay productive, or what I really want to do with my life.

Remember when I posted about beginning The Artist’s Way?  Well, I began week one.  I wrote my morning pages.  And.  That’s it.  I slacked off in the first week.  I know I chose a really busy time to begin, but really?  ONE WEEK?  Pathetic.  (I also have a list as long as my arm for Christmas Tasks that are not getting done.)    So.  I will begin again after the first of the year.  I will give it my all.  I will see where it takes me.

I went to a career counselor last week and babbled on about what I could do, about what I didn’t want to do, and about what I wanted to investigate further it terms of employment.  I found out that I have a lot of opinions and expectations about finding the right job.  However, I know that I won’t have much choice when it comes down to getting hired.  And, here’s the thing:  maybe I don’t want to search for a job, and get hired.  I have done that.  I know that the market is tight.  It always has been, and it always will be.  When job searching, you have to tell potential employers what they want to hear, even if it is not in your heart.  Once you get a job, you are just so happy that you don’t have to search anymore that you sell yourself out and do what you said you would.  On some level, I just want my life to unfold.  I know that it will, and the perfect job for me will fall into my lap.  It has *almost happened* a couple of times in the past year and a half.  I am not saying I just want to sit in my pajamas every day waiting for a knock on the door (although, I am still in my pajamas right now, so, hmmm).  I am not against hard work or putting in my time.  I just don’t want to lock myself into a position where I have to justify myself all of the time.  Been there, done that.  NO FUN.

So.  There you go.  My brain is a mess, and I don’t know which direction to turn.  I know that I will figure it out.  I have to, right?  No choice.  I will just keep reading all you people out there, and a path will appear.  You will show me the way.  (No pressure.)

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5 Comments
  1. December 11, 2009 4:46 pm

    Hrm…I don’t seem to have any advice for you. I have been in that place myself, though it was a long time ago. Unfortunately, I don’t think perfect jobs ever just fall into laps. I think you have to hunt them down and make them yours. They might not even BE the perfect job at first, but then turn into it.

    A path will appear, that’s for sure, but YOU HAVE TO WALK IT.

    Luckily, we’re all here to hold your hand and walk with you.

  2. December 11, 2009 4:47 pm

    Also, it’s snowing all over your blog. SO COOL!! *love*

  3. December 11, 2009 5:16 pm

    Thanks Liz~
    I don’t know if there IS any advice, or if I was seeking it….I was just vomiting out how my brain is like spaghetti when it comes to the new horizon ahead of me. I am so, so happy that you will be here to hold my hand, THANK YOU! {smooch!}

  4. December 13, 2009 8:24 am

    Don’t feel bad about the Morning Pages. Nearly everyone starts and stops them! They can be pretty powerful stuff, actually. It can be scary to unleash whatever is in your head!

    That post of BP’s was pure magic, so full of truth. I’m not quite middle-aged and it was reassuring to ME, to know that we can give ourselves permission to keep changing and growing. Some people don’t, and they box themselves into a very small corner. I think, partly, as mothers, we also have to allow for the changing of our mother identities…as we grow into them, and as our roles wax and wane.

    I fully trust that you will find the right job for you. I really hope you will find a job that feels authentic to who you are, so that you’re not going against your heart. That’s really important. Life is too short to spend it working in a badly-fitting job. I understand that sometimes we do what is necessary to pay the bills, of course, and I have done that. But now that I look back, I wish that I hadn’t. What I gave up and what it cost me were far too high!

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