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For Nichole, again

March 19, 2011

Dear Nichole,

A year ago I was knee-deep in you.

Immersed in your death.

Knee-deep in grief and astonishment.

I felt like time stood still.

This year, I am knee-deep in this new life that I have begun.  So distracted that March 18th came and went and all I thought of was the day-to-day beautiful view of busyness.  I woke up with you next to me this morning.  Letting me know that you were there, under the surface.

You have been all along.

I have been marinating in your death for a year.  Steeped in grief.  Wading around in it.

We were never close, you and I.  Not like other friends of ours.   We never whispered late into the night and shared the underbelly of our vulnerability.  I never knew your dreams.  Or your fears.

But, you have been walking with me now for a year.  And in the quiet times, often, I think of you.  I think of how you disappeared from my life.  Erased.  And now we can only see the crumbs of the eraser, and the lead that refuses to let go of the paper.  I know I have clung to that shadow, trying to hold it in my hands.  I can only imagine how your family is coping.

I can’t imagine myself erased from my life.  How my kids would live and even my (very independent) husband.  I think of your beautiful baby girl, Cassie, and Ellie and Matt as well, and I cannot imagine their grief.  I can’t put my head around the enormous hole that your death has left in their lives–it makes me sick.

I guess, I just needed to write to you today to let you know that there is still a hole in my own life that you should be filling up.  It is just not right that you are gone.

But since I have no control over your death, I suppose, the only thing I can do is share my deep grief with those who also loved you, and hope, deep in my heart, that they have found peace.

Love to you, Nichole.  You are missed.  Every.  Single.  Day.

  1. March 19, 2011 1:15 pm

    This was so moving; what a tender tribute to a friend. I spoke with my bestest Becky tonight (her son died a year ago on March 17) and it was harrowing and cathartic and so very needed.

  2. March 31, 2011 6:31 am

    This is so poignant and beautiful. I can’t imagine having a friend simply erased from my life either. ::hugs::

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