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Looking away, for now

July 7, 2013

The darkness has covered our humble home.  The clouds still glow behind the blackened branches or our beloved, if gigantic, soft maple tree in the backyard.  The children are all supposedly in bed, working on sleep.  None of them sleeping yet.  Jeff is showering and shaving, he opens tomorrow.  I am tired.  It has been another day of reading and lounging.  A repeat of yesterday, really.

Summer seems to be slipping by so quickly.  It is hard to believe a week of July has already come and gone.  I wish I could freeze time.  Stretch it out.  I am not ready for the routine of school, and I am not ready to run helter-skelter, trying to keep all the balls in the air and trying to remember where that one ball landed so I can pick it up again.

I have taken a whole week off from work.  I haven’t picked up the Discussion book that I should have finished by now.  I haven’t thought about my class, or my textbook, or my tests that beg to be rewritten.  I don’t really want to go back to thinking about it.  I just want to read what I want, write  everyday, do a little art, take care of my kids, and just be.

I know it would get tiresome, I love teaching and I missed it so much when my only job was to care for my kids.  Back then the caring for young children consumed me.  There were no breaks.  Now my kids entertain themselves.  They come in and read with me.  They can be independent.  I can do what I want for the most part.  Even so, I love my teaching job.  I know I would hunger for it, eventually.

It is just that teaching in itself is all-consuming.  It demands every spare moment.  My kids need me and I drop my papers or close my computer to tend to them, but once they are done needing me…I am right back to work.  It is true that since the semester ended in May I have slowed down.  However, I still worked every day.  I did something.  I read professional books, I wrote out my revamped class, I looked at how I would rearrange things for this fall, I met with people.  I did something every day.  Until this week.  And I have had such a great week.  Scary good.  I look at my work things and look away good.

The last thing I worked on was a little scary.  I am worried about the *new job* status.  I am worried about the political implications.  There are some undercurrents that I was blissfully unaware of before May.  I want to be back to that “ignorance is bliss” state.  It made my job so nice.  I won’t say easy, because it has never been easy, but it was rewarding.  My biggest worry was the most important thing:  the students.  Now I have that familiar worry of politics and coworkers and administration.  And the worry of being a puppet.  And the knowledge that I have no real choice.  I am not tenured.  I remember this.  This is the part of teaching that I hate.  But it is part of life, isn’t it?

It is so much easier to ignore.  To read.  To write.  To do a little art.  To focus on my children.  So, for today, I looked away.  But I hear it calling.  I have MUCH to do before my semester begins.  I can’t look away forever.  But I will, today.

 

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6 Comments
  1. g2-764518c1352cf3e822d5fb36a5b9afcd permalink
    July 8, 2013 6:50 am

    I often wish that there was more moderation in both ends…not too much relaxation/boredom during vacation, and not too much stress/busy during regular routines. It seems it always has to be one or the other.

    • July 8, 2013 9:58 pm

      I know. Never a happy medium. I am reading A Wrinkle in Time to Katie right now. We just read the chapter ” The Happy Medium” I love that book so much!

  2. g2-764518c1352cf3e822d5fb36a5b9afcd permalink
    July 8, 2013 6:51 am

    Dang it, that is me, Lizardek. I hate wordpress.

    • July 8, 2013 9:58 pm

      Hi Liz. I hate it too when it is mean to you.

  3. July 8, 2013 7:10 am

    I feel like I relate to this so much. Figuring out the balance between work and family is hard for all women, I think. And when the work is teaching, it’s even harder, because off all the things you bring up here. I am glad to see you took a whole week off!

    • July 8, 2013 9:59 pm

      I took today off too. Shh. Don’t tell anyone! I am also taking tomorrow off. Yikes!

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