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Wading in the Details

July 21, 2013

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I am sitting outside on the patio right now.  The sun bright behind light clouds, but it is on its way down, winding down our Sunday. The grass pokes up from the dirt in many different shades and textures, making the yard a mosaic.  A mosaic that sways in the light warm breeze.  The breeze that is whispering in the leaves of the giant trees above.  For once our neighborhood is quiet.The only sound is the chirping of small birds foraging around in the grass.  They might be translating the age old language of the whispering breeze.  I am sure it is saying, “Stop.  Just listen, and notice.  There is peace here.  There is glory.  Be filled with gratitude for this moment.  In this moment summer resides.”

And I am grateful.

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I finished my course schedule for my lower level course today.  The whole semester.  I have to go back and fill in my lessons, but the structure has been set.  I hate detail work, making sure everything is perfect.  Transferring dates and assignments to different boxes.  But it feels great to have accomplished something.  I am hopeful that I can get my plans in the same format, and then I can begin re-writing things.  It would feel really great to be all done with everything before the semester begins.  I know that is big order, but it would make all the difference.

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I have been re-reading my old notebook, and I have noticed that I really have a big problem feeling like I am not good enough.  My house is not good enough, my work is not good enough, my body is not good enough, my life is not good enough.  I was trying to read it as objectively as possible, and I was taken aback by this.  I am preoccupied with my shortcomings.  However, when I leave the arm’s-length distance, and I look at my life, I still feel the same:  messy house, not organized enough at work, out of shape and f-a-t, boring old me.  I am thinking I need to change my self talk, but wow.  That is an uphill climb.  Like a mountain.  I think this might be a first step, however.  And, I also think it might take me my whole life to get to the summit.

*****

A squirrel is climbing down the giant maple tree.  It scurries around looking for handouts.  We sometimes throw pistachios that are too hard to shell out by the tree, unfortunately there are not any there tonight.  A cardinal just began to sing.  It is close, but I can’t see it.  As I search for the brilliant red feathers, I can’t help but notice the purple garden that my husband planted.  I don’t know if he planted it just for me or not, but I am choosing to believe that he did.  Purple is my favorite color.  And the garden is beautiful.

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There are so many days when I hate the weather here.  But tonight I am reaping the rewards for my patience.  I wish you were here with me sitting at my table.  We could trip the light fantastic, or we could just sit and bask in the perfection of this evening.

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Franklin:  What am I, chopped liver?

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5 Comments
  1. July 24, 2013 11:41 am

    There’s so much heart in this post, and I love it. I am right there with you as I read! I am really struggling right now with what comes next, how to plan for more kids+plus my career+ taking care of this kid I have + everything else. Reading your post made me feel how we ALL struggle with big questions and self doubts. I am glad to share the journey with you, through our writing!

    • July 24, 2013 10:04 pm

      It was such a beautiful night that night. And I think you are on to something. We all DO struggle. And that is not always a bad thing, I guess. It makes me strive to be better sometimes, but it also bogs me down. Sometimes the struggle is overwhelming, and so I choose not to engage. I think that is my fatal flaw. The choosing to not do what I can (should) do. Choosing to ignore. Maybe I need to change that to choosing ONE thing to struggle with at a time. That might be a worthy thing to embrace.

      • July 25, 2013 11:27 am

        I like that idea. I feel like that’s what I need too – to choose one thing, and feel it’s enough to focus on that one thing and struggle with it for a while.

  2. July 25, 2013 5:10 am

    What a great post. And that last comment from your dog made me laugh out loud. At work. >:D

    • July 25, 2013 10:56 pm

      Franklin makes me laugh out loud every day! Thank you for those kind words, Liz. xo

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