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Off Balance

July 2, 2016

For the past year, possibly two, maybe even three years, I have been pulled in many directions.  It seems like I always have something BIG looming on the horizon, or I am undertaking a HUGE project.  I keep thinking to myself…once I do x, y, and z THEN I will have time to [insert things I actually want to do].  But it is not like I don’t EVER do ANYTHING that I want to do.  I am writing here right now, and there is no deadline, no expectation (although I did challenge myself to write….), no consequence if I don’t write.  I just want to.  I like to write.

I feel like the x, y, z things just get replaced by the a, b, c things and then we run through the alphabet again.  So, I think I just need to be okay with “cheating,” and maybe I shouldn’t call it cheating.  Maybe I should call it “living.”  I don’t think I will EVER be done with the HUGE projects and the BIG things looming on the horizon.  I do think I need more balance in my life.

Last week, or maybe it was the week before last, I had a big project due in my class, plus I had our weekly homework of reading and posting a response to the “prompts” that my teacher assigned.  I started it right away, and read whenever I could in between softball games and baseball games and all the other driving responsibilities that I have.  I had my post done early, and then I started on my project.  I did my responses to my classmates posts and did my second weekly post and then finished my project.  It really took all week with no real breaks.  Once I was done with that I was in charge of a faculty book club at work.  We read The College Fear Factor by Rebecca Cox.  I hadn’t read the last section, and we were meeting on Monday.  So, I had to read and take notes and then figure out talking points (that I knew I wouldn’t use) because I was sort of in charge of it.  On Monday the book club went great, and I wrote up a little reflection–and yay! Done.  But I was DONE on many levels.  I had my next assignment for class due on Wednesday, but I just couldn’t face it.  I did a crappy job this week.  And that feels yucky.  But, Tuesday?  Was divine.  I played.  I relaxed.  I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to read my textbook.  Wednesday was hell.  I was up until 4:00 AM doing my homework.  So, I am not sure it was a good solution to take a day off.

I finished all my homework yesterday, and began on my reading for next week today.  But I was distracted.  I also played a little bit.  I am having people over for the 4th of July, so I really need to get my reading DONE by tomorrow.  And go grocery shopping.  And clean my house.  See?  How do you achieve that balance?  How?  I honestly don’t know how to schedule my time so I can relax.  Except to just say fuck it, I am writing a post.  And then, of course, pay for it later.

I guess I have some thinking to do.  I really do need to figure this out.

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