Contradiction

Jeff is up north at a friend’s cabin–fishing and having fun.  I am so happy he finally could GO.  He has been asked several times the last couple of summers but always when there were major kid events that he was required to attend.  He never gets away, so I am happy that it worked out!  When he is gone I feel like I have no responsibilities, and I also feel kind of lost.  It is nice how quiet it is this morning, as I lie in bed and gaze out the window at the dappled sunlight that shines through the leaves of the tree outside my window.  It looks pleasant outside, like the shady tree would bring refreshing shade and the sun the warm glow that is so attractive to Franklin that he finds the nearest sunbeam to nap.  You can’t see the humidity that sucks the life out of you as soon as you open the door.

On Thursday, we took the kids and a bunch of their friends to the Cannon River and floated down the river in tubes.  It was an all day event, and we had so much fun!  Everyone brought their own lunches/drinks and we stopped off on a sand bar to eat lunch and then tubed some more.  By the time I got home from driving all the kids home–Jeff only had to take one neighborhood kid home, but he was making dinner–it was almost time for dinner.  I remembered that I had to text my mom to let her know we were not lost in the currant forever, and that’s when I got my sister’s text.

My dad is going through a downward slide right now and this is throwing my family into a transition.  He needs more care.  My mom needs more help.  And I feel like I should just move in to their apartment, but in the same breath I want to ignore the whole thing.  I am trying to be neutral.  I am trying to gather all of the facts so we can make a good decision about the kind of care my dad needs, and the kind of help that my mom needs.  These two things are also at odds.  One family member in particular has very strong opinions and not very good listening skills….oh, who am I kidding, WE ALL have very strong opinions and the listening skills are at the low end.  I am probably the only one who actually listens to anyone.  It is HARD not to put in my own two cents, but I try and let people have their opinions, and keep mine out of it.  But all of this will effect my mom’s well being on one hand, and my dad’s well being on the other.

Jeff has been great.  Really great.  My sister’s text told me that my dad went to the ER on Thursday because his blood pressure was so low.  He was dehydrated, so they gave him an IV drip and a couple bags of fluid.  I was told by my mom and my sister not to go to the hospital.  It didn’t feel right, but I sat down to dinner and tried not to worry.  It was Jeff that insisted that we go.  He drove me there and we ended up driving my parents home when my dad was discharged.  I slept over there to do night duty.  I probably wouldn’t have done that if Jeff wouldn’t have driven me to the hospital.  I am so grateful that he did.

My dad was up every two hours.  My mom got to sleep.  It was a good set up. I spent the day yesterday choreographing more care for my dad and setting up appointments to orchestrate even more care.  My mom has about had it.  My dad is depressed and crabby with her.  My heart is breaking.

The contradiction in every part of this is so difficult.  How can you feel opposite things at the same time, but I do.  It sucks.  Jeff has been my rock this weekend, even from afar.  It is helping me not to unravel completely.

AND??  I go back to work next week.  I kind of want to run away.