What makes me happy?

Last night, between trips out to the drive way to shovel*, I received a comment from Elizabeth that asked, “Megsie, what makes YOU happy?”  And I have been thinking of it ever since.  It is strange because there are so many ways to answer this question, but I think she was asking me about my life, NOT chocolate ice cream.  (But, chocolate ice cream SEEMS to do the trick…)

When I think about my life there are certain categories that I think about differently.  Yet, they are all interdependent.  Kind of like your desk drawer.  You have paper clips, pens and pencils, pads of paper, tacks, glue, tape scissors, note cards… and all of these have a certain compartment, but they are all related.   They are all office supplies, right?  Well my life has my husband, my kids, my extended family, my work, my friends, myself, and my house.  All of these things contribute to my happiness.  And, I could look at each component and write down what would make me happy about each of them, but this isn’t what really makes me happy.  It would be great if my house was all organized and clean and perfect.  It would make me happy, but it will never happen.  Life in general isn’t all organized and clean and perfect.  I think we have to love the imperfection.  That is the key.

I also think we need to believe that our happiness will find us, if we let it.  Last year, when I was trying to figure out what kind of job I wanted I posted this:

I went to a career counselor last week and babbled on about what I could do, about what I didn’t want to do, and about what I wanted to investigate further it terms of employment.  I found out that I have a lot of opinions and expectations about finding the right job.  However, I know that I won’t have much choice when it comes down to getting hired.  And, here’s the thing:  maybe I don’t want to search for a job, and get hired.  I have done that.  I know that the market is tight.  It always has been, and it always will be.  When job searching, you have to tell potential employers what they want to hear, even if it is not in your heart.  Once you get a job, you are just so happy that you don’t have to search anymore that you sell yourself out and do what you said you would.  On some level, I just want my life to unfold.  I know that it will, and the perfect job for me will fall into my lap.  It has *almost happened* a couple of times in the past year and a half.  I am not saying I just want to sit in my pajamas every day waiting for a knock on the door (although, I am still in my pajamas right now, so, hmmm).  I am not against hard work or putting in my time.  I just don’t want to lock myself into a position where I have to justify myself all of the time.  Been there, done that.  NO FUN.

So.  There you go.  My brain is a mess, and I don’t know which direction to turn.  I know that I will figure it out.  I have to, right?  No choice.  I will just keep reading all you people out there, and a path will appear.  You will show me the way.  (No pressure.)

It is quite prolific considering a job literally fell into my lap within 3 months.  A job I am definitely struggling with, but a job which I already love and will love even more once I feel more competent.

What makes me happy?  I think the only true answer to this question is time.  Time well spent.  Time to connect with my husband (WITHOUT the kids sometimes) to share dreams and stories and love.  Time to teach my kids how to be decent human beings and time to slow down to do that teaching well.  Time to laugh at them as well, and read to them, and PLAY with them.  Time to connect with my extended family and friends.  Quality time.  Time to plan decent lessons and give good, worthwhile feedback to my students.  Time to research best practice and learn how to teach college students so I can maximize their potential.  So I can help them succeed, so I can make a difference, and make the world a better place.  Time to knit and to write, to read (FOR FUN), to go to movies and out to eat.  Time to be creative.  To paint that dresser, to learn how to upholster furniture, or use a sewing machine. Time to exercise and do yoga.  Time to myself to rejuvenate, to take a bath if I want to, to light candles and enjoy the quiet.

Time seems to be the answer.  But it is so limited.  That is the problem.  We all have to choose how to use our time wisely.  That is when things get hard.  When we have to give up the time spent with our spouses because of work, or kids or both.  When we give up time to rejuvenate (or SLEEP) in order to get all of the stuff done for our next deadline.  Too much time scheduled for me is what robs the happiness from my soul.  It is then that I feel trapped.  No time for spring break vacations, well, NOW what?  The juggling begins.  And, because our lives are never organized and clean and perfect we have to wade through disappointment, worry, and being overwhelmed.

I do want you to know that I am so grateful for my life.  I have had amazing opportunities and amazing people throughout my life have taken such good care of me.  They have loved me and encouraged me and helped me along on my journey.  You, who take the time to comment and write your own wonderfully insightful posts have stretched my thinking, and made me a better person.  On some weird level, I feel like I am closer to you all than my actual in-the-flesh friends.  I think it is because this is a different level of consciousness.  Although I write about trivial things I also bypass the small talk when I need to.  Sometimes, that is difficult to do with a real person, to just launch into deep dark feelings.  This is why I committed to writing once a week.  I need to, for my own happiness.

So, thank you, all of you and especially Elizabeth, for helping me to think about my own self today.  I don’t think I made any breakthroughs or anything, but now I know what to focus on.  And, I think in the big picture, I do take time for most of my priorities.  I am not learning how to upholster, but I did FINISH my afghan that I started years ago.  I finished yesterday.

So, did this answer the question, or am I way off?  What do you think?  I would love to hear your two cents worth!

*We had a spring week weather-wise.  Temperatures in the 40’s and 50’s.  There was grass underfoot, and real-live mud.  The snow wasn’t near gone, because we have had so much this year, but it was that gross gray, dying snow.  I did begin to wear actual shoes to work instead of boots.  My friend (hi LeaAnna!) had to cancel the sledding party she planned on throwing on Saturday (the day before yesterday) because the sledding hill was closed due to lack of snow.  (She figured out how to make it a swimming party instead.)  Then, yesterday, it began to snow.  With in an hour we had three inches.  It would let up, and then come down like gang busters again, but it never stopped.  It is still snowing right now.  My shoulders and back are sore.  The plow hasn’t come by our house yet, but when it does, I will have a HUGE job digging out.  We shoveled every hour yesterday, until we went to bed.  As of 9:00 last night we had 13 inches.  I have no idea what it is at now.  Winter is back, with a vengeance!